At last night’s TedX-Asheville salon we watched a talk given by Caroline Casey, a woman who grew up not realizing she was actually legally blind, and then set out to make a difference in the world through her work and advocacy. Her talk was about looking past limits, something near and dear to my heart!

One of my unschooling mantras is “Try to Find the Yes” – in other words, try to see what the situation really is and find a way to meet the needs that are being expressed, either overtly or subtly. How many times do we hear “no”, in all it’s various forms, when we want to do something new or challenging? As kids we are given hundreds of no’s, supposedly to protect us from our selves, from others, from possible harm – emotional or physical. The problem is that many of those well-intended protections prevent us from exploring our world, our interests, and our capabilities to the fullest. As adults we know all to well how harmless fun can turn on a dime and become something tragic. That knowledge of the worst-case scenarios end up becoming bigger in our minds – things that are statistically unlikely inflate into something that Really Can Happen Now – and the fear of that happening influences our ability to say “yes” to experiences and creates unnecessary limits for ourselves and our children.

Kids start off thinking they can be anything and everything is possible. My son, for a long while, dreamed of being the person who invented real living, breathing Pokemon monsters! Their imaginations take them to wondrous places and fantastical adventures, whether they are careening through the “jungle” in the backyard with friends or (mostly) silently playing with their own hands and fingers, acting out a battle royale right before their eyes. They don’t see limits, they see possibilities.

Over time, though, they absorb our cautions, internalizing them until their own inner voice tells them they are limited. Now, they don’t believe they are an artist when they draw or paint or sculpt some clay because it falls short of what they’ve learned is “art”. Now, they don’t believe they are an athlete when they run or jump or throw a ball or swim or ride their bike because they aren’t the winning medals or trophies and they probably won’t “go pro”. Now they don’t believe they can be anything they want because “how will you get a job doing that?” Now when they write they see their words returned to them with red marked sections – spelling errors, poor sentence structure, inappropriate use of punctuation – and suddenly it doesn’t matter what their thoughts and ideas were. They only see what they did wrong. Now they are not a writer. Or a scientist. Or…Or..Or…

Suddenly, years later, they are walking through life wondering what they want to do. Wondering who they are. They spend hours browsing the shelves at the bookstore Self Help section: Tell me who I am. Tell me what I’m worth. I don’t anymore. I only know what I can’t do. I don’t know what I can.

Nobody can tell you what you can do…but they sure can tell you what you can’t – or at least what they think you can’t. Your life-long challenge is to reframe each dream, each goal, every wish you have so that rather than focus on all the ways things can go wrong you start focusing on all the ways it can go right. Some goals are huge and involve a long-term plan, some much less so, but the practice is the same. When you have a goal in mind create a list of what sort of things need to happen to reach that goal.

Here’s an example from something I’m doing right now:

Goal: Complete Triathlon in May

Steps:

1. Train to Swim 1/3 mile

2. Train to Bike 19 miles

3. Train to Run 3 miles

4. Do #1-3 in succession!

Now, think about each basic step and then break it down by any mini-steps connected to it:

Goal: Complete Triathlon in May

Steps:

1. Train to Swim 1/3 mile

• Start swimming at Y each week, build up distance/endurance each week

2. Train to Bike 19 miles

• Start biking on flat trails, build up to hillier terrain & longer distances

3. Train to Run 3 miles

• Start walk/jogging sessions, build to jog/running sessions

Now, whenever you think of an obstacle to one of those steps write it down, along with creative ways to overcome it.

Goal: Complete Triathlon in May

Steps:

1. Train to Swim 1/3 mile

• Start swimming at Y each week, build up distance/endurance each week

• Obstacle: I don’t like the idea of practicing as a “beginner” in front of strangers & I don’t know system for swimming in lanes at a pool

• Solution: Talk to staff and learn the procedures and find out when it’s quietest in the pool
• Solution: Recognize that the other swimmers aren’t judging me; I should just focus on my own workout and not compare myself to the others

2. Train to Bike 19 miles

• Start biking, build up to longer distances

• Obstacle: It’s crazy hilly here in the mountains & I haven’t been on my bike since 2010!

• Solution: Use maps to find flatter areas to start and drive over to them with my bike; go back and forth if necessary to get enough mileage until I’m stronger
• Solution: Talk to cycle store staff and find out about changing my tires from hybrid to street to make pedaling easier.

3. Train to Run 3 miles

• Start walk/jogging sessions, build to jog/running sessions

• Obstacle: I’m afraid of hurting my knees and losing toenails (it’s happened three times before!)

• Solution: Get high-quality, comfortable shoes specifically for running.
• Solution: Start walking for warm ups, then start slow-jogging, without pushing it too much. Build over time, knowing I can walk 3 miles in 45 minutes if I absolutely had to in the triathlon.

Now, I know this is a small goal compared to many, but the truth is that when my friend first started talking to me about this event I could have said to myself:

• There isn’t enough time to train for this
• I might hurt myself
• I’m going to look stupid out there with all the real athletes
• I don’t run!